


Oh, Alexander

by Stagcore



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e04 Day of Wrath, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e04 Day of Wrath, Protective Magnus Bane, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 08:58:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16783792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stagcore/pseuds/Stagcore
Summary: "You're hurting badly. You hope the pain here will overpower the pain there. I wish it were that simple." -Magnus, 2x05





	Oh, Alexander

The blood ran smoothly from his shoulders to his arms and then finally dripping into the sink. He thought he was over this. The room spins for a brief moment as he rakes the blade over the area that ancient scars used to reside on his shoulders. Careful not to cut through any runes, it would be hard to explain that one. Since every time he had an iratze blazed onto his skin the scars, old and new healed until they were gone, he had gotten cocky with it. Not so afraid of being caught then he once was.

He remembers it all so vividly. The hard floor digging into his small frame. Clary’s apprehension as she walked into the room where her mother lay dead. Her shuddering breath as she hyperventilated. The 100 yard stare she had after they fought and killed the demon. The way that she hung onto Simon as if she was being tossed around and drowned in the roughest ocean and Simon was the only piece of driftwood she could find. Her whole world was crumbling around her and just as she got her mother back, Alec went and shattered the last few remaining good things in her life.

Normally he’d go to Magnus or Jace or Izzy but he didn’t deserve them. Clary was hurting because of him so it seemed only fair that he punished himself. It was what he deserved, afterall. The painful yet pleasurable way the cold metal of the blade pressed against his warm skin. Itching to bleed him dry.

Two years clean down the sink’s drain and with it every single negative emotion he had felt since Clary had arrived at the institutes doors like a starving, stray cat.

By the Angel, she wouldn’t even look at him.

He didn’t deserve that anyway. It would be so much better if Jace had let him die trying to find Valentine. If he had died than Jocelyn would still be alive. Clary would probably be in Idris with her right now, enjoying the golden sunshine and the pillars of glass that warded the evil away.

His phone buzzed as he got another text. Alec guessed it was Magnus, worried about him. Worried about where his head was. What he was thinking.

He had gotten close to slipping up when Clary first got to the institute. His feelings for Magnus and the scramble to stop Valentine from getting the Mortal Cup drove him close to relapsing and in a confused panic he opened up to the Warlock. Looking back he wished he hadn’t. Not that Magnus was unsupportive but back then he wasn’t ready to open up. Not really. But Magnus’ eyes were so warm and welcoming as opposed to his own sharp, scared ones. It came pouring out.

In return, Magnus opened up too. Told him about the ledge of that cursed bridge in London. How inviting it was. How gracefully he would have accepted death if it wasn’t for the lady with the unnatural pale pallor and ruby red lips that hid a sharp, dark secret.

It was nice knowing that somebody understood what it felt like to be so ready to throw yourself into danger at a seconds notice. How eager and ready he was for it all to be over sometimes.

His phone chimed again. Making him jump slightly. He ignored it and listened to the answer machine as it beeped and Magnus’ message came through. Focusing as the sink spinned again. When was the last time he ate?

“Alec it’s Magnus. I’m worried about you darling. I’m going to portal over to the institute in 2 minutes just to check you’re okay.”

Fuck. He couldn't see Magnus like this. Tear tracks drying on his red face, arm stinging and still bleeding and him breathing in shuddering, panicked breaths.. Quickly gathering his things up and hiding the borrowed (stolen) knife under the sink he cursed again when he realised that he didn’t bring a long sleeve shirt or jumper when he marched into his bathroom earlier.

“Fuck” He cursed under his breath softly. He knows that Magnus wouldn’t come into his room without permission but he hated the thought of having to lie though his gritted teeth and tell him that he was fine and coping with what has happened. What he did.

All he wanted was to wake up in Magnus’ arms from this horrible nightmare.

Clenching his jaw, Alec opened the door and went straight to his draw that contained his sweaters. It was hot in New York this time of year and the idea of wearing long sleeves made him regret what he had done but he reasoned that he could use an Iratze soon enough. He just needed to feel the pain a little bit longer.

A knock on his bedroom door alerted him that Magnus had arrived.

Cracking the door open slightly, Alec plastered on the most convincing smile he could muster and greeted his boyfriend.

"Alexander, you okay? Izzy told me that you have hardly been out of your room since the accident" Magnus said. He smelt of sandalwood and hair gel, Alec's favourite smell in the world. It smelt of home.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He smiled wider. Fighting back more tears that threatened to fall. Dammit! Why did he always tear up when people asked how he was. He used to have such good control over his emotions.

"You'll tell me if it ever gets bad, right?" The memory of Magnus' voice came to him. Pleading with him to let him in, to let Magnus help.

"Are you sure?" Magnus pushed. The way a small wave may push against the sandy shore. Eroding away his resolve.

Not trusting himself to speak. Alec swallowed thickly and shook his head. No, he was definitely not okay.

"Let's go home," The warlock said as he conjured up a portal. He knew how Alec felt about being vulnerable in the institute. Years of ingrained ideology about what a man should and should not do with his emotions tended to leave a bitter taste on the tongue when moments of vulnerability raised their heads.

Magnus' loft looked as it always did. Chairman Meow snoozed in the window bottom, comfortable and content in the sun's warmth. Alec yearned for that piece, where everything would fall away and the only thing that he felt was the content and the warmth as sun kissed his pale skin.

Sitting on the couch, Alec resisted the urge to curl up against Magnus' side. They sat in silence for a while. Alec figuring out how to say how he felt and Magnus patiently waiting to hear what it would be. He had asked for help, that was the hardest part and it was over.

"I'm not enough," Alec said, finally. Fidgeting with the sleeves of his sweater, a nervous habit that Magnus had picked up on. "I'm not fast enough, I'm not strong enough I'm not enough." He mumbled as he rubbed at his face. "If I was better, I would have been able to stop the demon from killing Jocelyn."

"Alexander, look at me." Magnus said softly, his heart breaking as his boyfriend blinked back tears. "You know that's not true. The demon could have chosen anyone, it wasn't your fault."

Nodding, Alec sighed. Preparing himself for the confession that had to come.

"Mags, I..." Alec swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat. God what had he done?" "I relapsed," The words came out as a whisper.

"Oh, Alexander," Magnus allowed the heartbreak to enter his voice. He knew how hard it was for Alec to stay clean. Relapsing wasn't a sign of defeat but he knew that Alec thought the contrary.

"I'm sorry," Alec said, his voice breaking. "I'm so sorry"

"Shh," Magnus said as he wrapped Alec up in a hug. "It's okay. Do you have your stele?" Alec shook his head, no. "Do you want me to heal you?"

"Yes" he murmured into Magnus' neck.

With a flick of his wrist, Alec's skin was knitting itself back together. Magnus just wished that he could stop the need for self-destruction that Alec felt. For now, Magnus resigned himself to try and support his boyfriend as much as he could. Magic couldn't fix everything. That was something that Magnus knew all too much about.


End file.
